What is my fear? Commitment? Marriage? Relationships?

Let's start off with a little history of my life. Up until I was in the 5th grade, my parents were together and happy. Things took a turn for the worst when my parents decided to split up. Long story short, I WAS A MESS FOR YEARS! I was honestly disappointed in them for not allowing their love to save their relationship. Maybe it was because all I ever saw in movies were love stories that only had good endings. This was not how I expected any of our lives to go. My brother and sister were older, therefore they had a better understanding of the situation. Although that may be true, I believe that we all were emotionally wounded.

As my parents got used to their split, I did not. I was the only one that was not accepting of it.  All I ever tried to do at the age of 11, was get them back together. I didn't understand at my age that sometimes things just cannot be fixed. I watched my parents date other people and all of those relationships were failures. Why is it so hard to be in love and make it work? Why do good people have relationships that crumble to the ground? It is complicated. Now that I am an adult myself, I do understand.

 Now, I am almost 21 years old. I never once in my life thought about my future wedding. Yes, I admit I watched those dress shows just to see bridezillas freak out! Now, I only think about my future plans, and marriage never seems to be one of my lifetime goals. I begin to attempt to think rationally about why I have these views of "anti-marriage" and I can't seem to pin-point one exact reason. I usually go through a mental list that consists of seeing all of the failed marriages/relationships that i unfortunately witnessed, cheating in relationships, my past relationships, and just the sad truth that people get sick of each other. I was so worried, even in a teen relationship, that they would get sick of me. Maybe it is an insecurity of mine, maybe it is the raw truth? Don't get me wrong, I've seen many relationships and marriages last years...But, does that mean they are truly happy? Who knows.

I want a happy fulfilling life with a career that makes me blossom and I surely want children. I look far beyond my old religious views and see that maybe I don't need a piece of paper to prove how much I love someone. I don't want to go through a divorce and lose my physical assets, along with living with a heavy broken heart. All my life, I have seen people leave me in relationships. Never once, was I the one to initiate walking away. I tend to think about this a lot. I want it to be easy to leave. Well, let me rephrase that. I want it to be difficult for them to leave me emotionally. But, if they are not happy, I want them to have it easy to physically leave. I don't ever want to go through a legal process of breaking up with someone. 

At the end of the day, I am content with my failed relationships and the failure of all the relationships I witnessed. Maybe I just haven't met the "one" to change my views.  I do want love, don't we all? I will forever take these experiences as lessons, and maybe hope that one day someone will give me a reason to spend forever with them..... through marriage. Until then, I will not let my experiences define me and dictate my life, but I will allow them to guide me to the right man.

Do you believe that marriage is the best way to be committed? What are your views?

Why do you think that I am so afraid to even think about marriage?

Today's my 20th Birthday!

Here's my 20th #birthday post <3

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2010 vs 2013

Just keep swimming :-*

So I know I have updated a couple times in the last couple of months saying that I will update more... And I finally am. Here's the thing....  I am obsessed with tumblr. I am always dragging images to my desktop and it always gets full very fast and then I have to resort to making a separate folder for those images....My pact to you & myself is that whenever my desktop becomes full or semi-full, I will update my blog with those images. I hope you enjoy. Some of these images are a direct correlation as to what I feel, felt, and just normal stuff we all

go through. Enjoy, and interact. Make me more excited to blog here. xo Jess